Wednesday, July 11, 2007

James Part 1

I want to explain the situation with Anna's father. I met him when I was 17. I was working in a local mall at a small toy store. He came into the store and started flirting with me and asked for my number. He was cute so I gave him my number. I found out later on that he was in the store trying to keep me occupied while his "stealing buddy" was in the back room of our store stealing some playstation's that were damaged in the back of our store. HAHA! I guess the joke was on them or who ever they sold them to because they did not work.

Anyways, James called me a month later after I saw him in the store again and his girlfriend was with him in the mall(that's the type of guy he is). I did not know he had a pregnant girlfriend at the time. He had called me that night and we set up a movie date for that weekend.

I had to work the day we were going to go out and he was going to pick me up from work. I also had another job working at K-mart as a cashier. I remember getting a phone call from by brother Billy who was home with the twins(Jessica~my slut sister and Paul). Our conversation was something like this:

ME:This better be good, I am working. You are going to get me in trouble.
BILLY:(speaking very quickly)Paul was hit by a car on______(main road entered here)he was taken to the hospital by ambulance but is ok. I just thought I would let you know. Bye.(he hangs up the phone)

I did not know what to say. I don't even remember what happened after that. I know that another guy I was dating at the time picked me up from work and took me to the hospital to see Paul.

Mom was at work also and did not know what happened until later. My dad was at the hospital and I was so mad when I got there and Paul was sitting up like nothing had happened. He was 9 yrs old at the time and should not have been out like he was. He ran in front of a car and she did not see him in time to stop. I remember her talking to my mom and she was so upset. She was pregnant and we were worried about her and the baby. Her nerves must have been shot. (that is not the only stupid thing my brother has ever done-trust me there is more)

I remember that we all went home and there was nothing left for us to do for Paul because he was home and fine. James had called me and was more upset that I stood him up than he was concerned about my brother. He made me feel bad that I made him take a $20 taxi to meet me for a date that I stood him up for.

Paul was ok so I meet James for the movie. We had an nice date and he was kinda cute. I brought him home to meet mom. Mom was tired of meeting my dates because I was constantly meeting new guys and she could not keep them straight. I was 17 what did she expect?

So this is the start of my story about James..........

To be continued.....................

Thursday, August 11, 2005

James Part 2

Our relationship was nothing like what I had with any of my other boyfriends. Most of the boys I dated came in and out of my life when ever they felt like it. That was fine by me I had my space and they had theirs. James was over my house all the time. I remember that we went out somewhere(I think we went to the circus or tried to)and he came back home with me to make sure I got in ok. I invited him in and my mom was asleep because she worked early in the morning and we watched TV. I remember waking up and my mother being very upset because he was still there at 7am. We fell asleep. It was an accident on my part. He knew what he was doing. Nothing happened I swear!

Mom really did not like him after that little episode. Oh I guess I should tell you about what a money hungry bitch my mother is.........I paid her at the age of 16 for the basement room. I did not want to share my room with my sister. Mom did not pay for any thing I had. I had 2 job's and paid my own way. She got over $500.00 a month from me for the basement room.

James was always there with me. We could not be separated. Mom was always working so she had no clue what was going on and could care less. I guess you can say that James was living with me in my basement room. Mom got up one morning and came to say something to me and James was laying on the floor.......she stepped on him......she started screaming and called my dad. Oh boy I was in some trouble. My dad dragged me out of work and called the cops on me. I went with the cops I did not want any part of my parents. I know I was wrong but so were they. We have all had a pretty rocky past. I just wanted to get out of my parents house.

It was Easter and it was just us kids at home, mom was at work and she took all the phones out of the house so I could not call James. (good thing there was not a fire) James had my pager so I had my brother Paul go to a friends house to page him so he could drop some money off to me and get his belongings from my home.

When James arrived about 30 seconds later Paul and Jessica started screaming that they saw my dad's car. James ran out of my house and I followed him. My dad tried to hit me and him with his car as we were running. We ran into the woods and went into different directions. We would meet in a few hours and start my journey away from my parents and into a world I had no clue about.

I was so stupid and naive and thought that he would not lie to me. I mean really we were young what would he have to lie to me about? He was pretty honest from the beginning. He told me he just broke up with his girlfriend minus the part about her being pregnant. He did not know at the time. He told me about his "twin daughters" by a girl who lived in Philadelphia. He told me that he was in the city with his girls and they were shot at during a drive by shooting. His one daughter was shot and killed on the scene. He told me he was able to save one daughter but not both. He told me that he was 20 years old. He told me he had a blue jeep in the shop being worked on, he had a job at a pawn shop, and he had an apartment for us to move into on April first(I was going to wait until May when I would be 18). He also told me about his mother and how she died when he was younger from a drug overdose~he basically told me she was a crack whore.

The above list of things he told me were all lies he told me in our first month together:

LIE#1: He never had twin daughters.....he never had a daughter.....I will explain the reason for this lie a little later on.

LIE#2: He was 23 years old

LIE#3: He never had a car, jeep, truck, or motorcycle......the only thing he had was a bus pass

LIE#4: The only thing he ever did for the pawn shop was sell them stolen goods....I guess he thought that meant that he was working for them

LIE#5: There was no apartment...when he was not sleeping at my house he stayed in a crack house with a bunch of losers

LIE#6: His mother and I has several conversations in my last month of pregnancy and she called me when I was in the hospital after Anna was born. I have never met her but she was very sweet to me over the phone. Just in case you are wondering she was not a crack whore.

OK I think that covers the first month of lies.I still remember when he told me that he hustled for a living. What does hustle mean? I had no clue! I was a girl from the county and he was truly from the city. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I would soon find out.

I know you are going to hate me for this but....................

to be continued.................

James Part 3

Wow~there are too many parts to this story......but I want you to understand why I hate him soooo much.

James and I met up in a Wal-mart parking lot. The store was closed because it was Easter. We took a taxi to the train and headed into the city. We stayed in a sleazy motel "until our apartment was ready to move into." At this time the only lie that I knew about was that he was not 20 yrs olds he was 23. If I had known this when we first met I never would have given him a chance. I thought that it was bad enough that he was twenty and I was seventeen. He told me this nice piece of information while we were on the train after I ran away from home(nice timing hu?)

We were in the motel and I was worried because he was not going into work and I thought that we would need the money. He told me he was taking sick time(my ass). He was going out with his buddy stealing and selling to the pawn shops for our money. He never had a ligit job.

After two days his stealing buddy who is old enough to be my dad wanted to get me out of the picture and talked me into calling my mom. I decided to make the call to at least let her know that I was alive. That bitch changed her number in less than 3 days.

Ok here comes the stupid part........I lost my virginity to James after the 3rd night of being an "adult" and on my own and one month to the day of my 18th birthday. It was just me, james and the world. I guess I thought that I owed it to him(earn my keep type of thing). I was stupid! I know that now.

Soon after that I found out that he had no job and he lied about the apartment. Our home was the motel. We paid by the week so we could keep the same room. Our days were spent in a very bad part of Baltimore....Abandoned townhomes and all. James and I were the only white faces in the neighborhood except for the police. I was stopped in the neighborhood by the police because I was white and in a "black" neighborhood. I am not sure if you ever watched "the corner" on HBO but that was the neighborhood we spent our days in. After 6pm we could be found in various malls or shopping centers while him and his buddy made money so we could survive.

I remember staying in an apartment that belonged to his stealing buddy's girlfriend. We looked after her place while she was locked up. We stayed on the third floor. James bought me a black kitten for my birthday and I loved it. When we were in the apartment is when I first found out my period was late and I knew that I was pregnant.

Things were not going well with us. James was stressing and I just wanted to go home. This was not the real world that I wanted to be a part of. James had friends with no real names.....we knew a poochie, apples, pappa daddy, apple jacks, panther, baby C, lil g man, seven, doc.......The only person I met with a real name was his stealing buddy(who hated me).

When things really started to sour was a week before my 18th birthday. James had bought me my cat. I was craving really nasty things like strawberry icecream with sour cream and onion chips and pickles(I would pour the pickle juice in the ice cream) EWWWW.............Now remember that I was very young a naive at this time but not for long.

I was sitting on the couch in his friends house playing with one of his friends babies. James went for a walk and gave me all his jewelry to hold onto. The baby was reaching for the jewelry an di was teasing him with it. The door to the house was open like most of the townhomes in the city. In the summer people hang out on the steps and the doors are always open. My back was to the door and this boy saw the door open and came into the house to steal the clothes that James had stolen to sell on the street. The clothes were in plain view to people on the outside. When the guy ran into the house to steal the clothes and when he looked back he saw the jewelry. I had been introduced to so many different people I though James knew him and was playing a game.

He walked up to me(I was on the phone with a very close friend~Chris)and tried to grab the jewelry from me. I pulled it back away from him and said "stop playing". I felt what I though was a fingernail(it was a knife)at my throat. He got very angry because I pulled it back from him and he punched me in my face(hard). The phone never left my ear. Chris could hear everything that was going on but he had no idea how bad it was. As he punched me he said "bitch does it look like I'm playing?" I will never forget those words. I let go of the jewelry. I was in shock....I told Chris "I think I have to go" and I hung up the phone.

After the initial shock I started crying and ran upstairs.....just than James walked into the house. One of the girls who lived in that house was trying to make me stand still. My face blew could see the my face changing colors. They thought I should go to the hospital but I didn't.

James walked up the steps after someone else told him what happened to his jewelry and to me. That bastard walked up the steps and yelled at me because I gave someone his precious jewelry. I screamed back at him. Everyone was yelling. His friends were mad because he only cared about himself.

We walked half way to our temporary apartment screaming at each other and my face swollen and tears streaming.........we took a cab after we walked half the way home.

I got my stuff together to leave. I walked out of the apartment to get something to eat and he was standing at the window on the 3rd floor with my poor kitten hanging out the window. He was going to kill my kitten over his stolen jewelry.

This was going to be the father of my child? What did I get myself into?

I walked back up the stairs and he left my kitten alone.

The danger flag was up..........I should have pushed HIM out the window!

to be continued......................

James Part 4

I ended up going back into the apartment when I saw my cat dangling out the window. What else was I going to do? Mom changed her phone number so I could not call her and I had no where to go. At the time I knew in my heart that I was pregnant but it was not official. We continued to spend our days in the same neighborhood where I was robbed in that house.

When my 18th birthday hit I went back to work at K-mart. We did not need the money, I just wanted to get away from the city. It actually cost us more money in taxi rides than what I was making but he made sure I got back and forth to work.

When I went back to work I met a girl who had a townhouse with an extra room . It was in the county and I talked James into letting us move in with her and her boyfriend. I could not believe he agreed to it. Of course he took a cab into the city everyday but at least we were not sleeping in motels anymore.

We were paying $50 a week to stay in the extra room. She lived on section 8 (in other words....she paid no rent) She used her 2 children to get her townhouse but her kids lived in the city with her mother. She also got money from the state for food but she never gave that to the kids either...she would buy junk food for her boyfriend who was using heroin.

Even though we were only paying $50 in rent we were always broke. James told me he was sending money to her daughters mother for child support(a lie). I found out shortly after we moved in the townhouse that I really was naive..........James was snorting heroin right in front of me at times, and I never knew it.

My girlfriend told me that her boyfriend and James were getting high together. I did not want to believe it! "Not my James! He hates people who use drugs. He told me he would never do that! His mom died from an overdose......he would NEVER do that." She told me what to look for and I started paying more attention to his actions. I would question him but never accuse him of anything. He still thought I was stupid(and I was).

The first time I said something to him was when he locked himself in the bathroom. He was in there for quite some time and I could here him "sniffing" I kept saying "what's wrong do you have a cold? You have been in there for a long time...what's wrong." He got soooo made because I would not shut up. He slammed the bathroom door open and ran me down the stairs. We screamed at each other and I left him in the house. I wanted to go for a walk without him. He ran after me and pushed me away from him. I called him a "fucking bitch" and he grabbed me by my throat and slammed me on the ground. I got up and kept walking and he ran back into the house so he could finish getting high. James was showing his true colors.

While I was out for my walk I ran into an old friend from school. He drove me to the hospital and that is where I found out officially that I was pregnant. I was not sure how to react. I was scared. I called the "stealing buddy" and told him what was going on. At first we did not like each other but I think I was growing on him. We talked about James and his drug use and we decided to have a "talk" with him.

Right around this time I started to get more of the story together about all his lies........He never had a daughter(s)(the child support money was his drug money). His mother was alive but wanted nothing to do with him and no she did not have a habit.

"stealing buddy" had a talk with James and he was going to get off the drugs and make things right for me and the baby....."our family." I even had my first doctors visit and he went with me. Things were going to work out for us. He was only mean to me because of the drugs but we were going to "fix" that problem for him.

I knew why he gave me his jewelry that day I got robbed...he was going to the corner to get his dope and did not want to get robbed. I guess he should have taken the chance and maybe he would still have it.

to be continued.............

James Part 5

I was pregnant and hoping for the best with James. I wanted to make things work. I did not want to admit that I may have made a mistake with him. I knew deep down in my heart that I would not be with him forever.

I was still working at K-mart when I found out that he was collecting other girls phone numbers. He was getting the laundry together to do while I was at work and I was helping him separate the colors from the whites when he started to hound me about cleaning out his pockets. I was being a smart ass because he said I was checking his pockets and I started to check the "watch pocket" and I found a girls phone number.

Later on I found out that it was a wrong number and he told me he only asked for the number as a bet. I let it go because it was only a number and we were together most of the time anyways.....what could he really do???

A few weeks later we went to my doctors appointment together and while he was in the waiting room (I would find out later) that he was hitting on a girl who was there and told her that he was waiting for his "pregnant sister because her boyfriend left her when he found out she was pregnant". Can you believe he said that? Yeah I guess you can!

I found this out from the girl we were living with after I saw this girl when James and I went out to eat one night.

James and I decided to go to Denny's one night to talk about his drug problem. He was still using and I was very emotional about the whole situation walked into Denny's to eat and I saw a girl I went to school with(the girl from the doctors office)...she was with her boyfriend and was staring me down when I walked past her. I looked at James and said "what's that bitches problem?" He just shook his head. She walked out the door with her boyfriend.

James and I had a long talk and he made promises to me about stopping his drug use and I went home that night praying that he would do the things that he said he would do.

When I got the whole story about that girl I was hurt but it was harmless....he tried to get somewhere but nothing more than lies and flirting went on. I tried to move on from this.............I had bigger problems to deal with.

to be continued..............

Next time I will tell you about the guys who were trying to talk to me in front of James and how he responded.......

James Part 6

James and I were still going out at night with his stealing buddy so we could make some money. I remember that we were in his friends neighborhood at the Giant grocery store(that's odd to have a "real" grocery store in the city). Anyways, the three of us were standing outside talking and getting ready to have his buddy take us back home. If you remember his buddy hated me when we first met but we were slowly starting to become friends.

While James and his buddy were loading up his car with food three black guys walked up to me and asked me for my phone number. I just smiled and said no thanks. I looked at James and his friend with my eyes pleading for some help. The guys noticed my stare and walked up to James and tried to make him look like a bitch. One of the guys said "I like your watch....give it to me." I walked over to the stealing buddy looking for some protection. I don't remember what was said after that. I remember us all getting in the car and we started chasing the guys down the road. James reached under the car seat and grabbed his buddy's gun. I was ducking down in the back seat while the guys in both cars were yelling at each other. The other guys freaked when they saw the gun and James tried to shoot at them but never took the safety off of the gun.

The other guys hauled ass when they saw the gun so they were out of site and we went home. I remember the relief I felt when we found out he did not know how to take the safety off. Me and the stealing buddy laughed the whole way home at James expense. The laughter was out of relief that nobody got hurt.

James was trying to prove to us that he was not punked out by those guys but it just made him look like an ass.

This is the world I was going to bring my baby into?

After that whole ordeal I decided to meet with my old high school counselor to see how I could get back into school to get my diploma.

I went to summer school....I needed time away from James and to lead by a good example for my baby. There was one condition for me to go back to school. I needed to finish summer school and could not miss one day. I was determined to do whatever I had to do to make things right for me and MY baby.

to be continued.........

James Part 7

During the summer I went back to my high school to see if I could finish school and not have to get my GED. I was told that I needed to go to summer school and not miss one day for any reason. I needed to make up for some credits I missed when I left home in April.

James paid for me to go to summer school and I took a cab to school and from school on most days. About three weeks into summer school we moved back to the motel. I did not finish summer school because I ended up in the hospital with a kidney infection.

I talked to my school counselor and was able to start school in September. I was very happy...I needed to be as normal as I could me. We were still living in the he motel. We had a nice room it was on the upper floor and we had a balcony and a table to eat at. It was nicer then some of the other rooms we had stayed in.

James paid another guy living in the same motel as we did to take me back and forth to school each day. I think it was $40 a day for me to go to school. James did help me and stand by me while I went to school. He made sure I had everything I needed and plenty of money for breakfast and lunch....Anna and I ate so good in those days:)

It amazed me how well the kids is school acted towards a young teen mom. I thought I would be treated like an outcast but I was wrong. Most people did not notice I was pregnant until my 7 or 8th month. I remember one of the girls walked up to me and asked me if I was pregnant because she could tell by the way I got out of my seat....I walked like but butt hurt(and it did) school chairs and not nice to a pregnant booty. She had a baby when she was 15 so she could tell.

I joined a club/meeting with other girls who were pregnant or already had a baby. These girls were wonderful and had their head screwed on tighter than some older mom's that I have met. These girls made bad choices but were willing to take care of their child and not push the responbsibility off on their mom and dad.

It did sicken me at times when girls would walk up to me at lunch and make a comment like"I wish I was having a baby" I would say "why, so your mom and dad can raise it?" I guess I thought I was better because I was an "adult" and going to school and I was going to make a great mom.

James would sleep all day while I was a school and go out with his stealing buddy at night. I would stay in out room and study and do homework. James was coming home later and later each night. I could tell he was still getting high and we fought all the time.

James had got locked up one day while he was out trying to make us money and when I got home from school I could hear noises coming from our room.....his stealing buddy was getting his freak on in our room while James was locked up. I was angry at James but not his friend...I knew his buddy was a dog...I was not his wife why should I care! When his buddy took his "friends" (yes 2 of them) back to their corner to buy drugs we left to get James.

James freaked out one day when some girl came knocking on our door looking for someone not in our room.....we moved into another room because he was paranoid.

Our new room was sooo small. I hated it. I woke up one night and James was not home and I saw a mouse(I did not know they climbed stairs). I was so upset and I left the room and sat on the steps outside until James would come back to the room.

There was only one way to the upstairs so he would have to pass me. There was another set of steps but that door was always locked....NEVER EVER opened. I waited outside for an hour and then James showed up...Behind could that happen? James told me that he came in from the other steps. He told me that it was open.

The trust between us was fading.

He told me later that he was in his friend(dave's) room getting high with Dave and his girlfriend. We got into a fight like always...but I stayed with him.

There was one morning that my school ride did not show up(he picked up some strippers and got high)he forgot about me. I went back into the room to get some sleep and take the day off from school. There was a knock on the door.....I answered it....James was asleep....the girl said "I'm sorry I am at the wrong room." We were the last room in the could you mess that up?!?!? I threw my books at James to make him wake up....I saw her wearing one of his shirts(just for the record she was ugly). He swore he did not know what I was talking about.

I left to go to school....I talked with my counselor and we called mom at work. Mom came to the school and picked me up....later on that night I went to the motel room to get my things. I left James........for now.........

to be continued.......

James Part 8

I remember going to the hotel to pick up my things that night. My mom's boyfriend who I had never met before drove me and my mom to get my belongings for the hotel room. James had no idea what was going on. My future step-dad was surprised to meet me because mom told him that "she had a daughter (me) but I died. (that's my mother for you!)

When I was in the room the phone rang and it was James. He said he knew something was wrong and he was sorry and he wanted to talk when he got back to the room. I told him it was to late and hung up the phone.

Dad and mom took me shopping that night for some maternity clothes. I had a lot of things running through my head at the time and I was not sure what was going to happen with school. I managed to talk them into leaving me at the same school because of all the stress from James and the move the school did not want to make things harder on me than they needed to.

I had a word processor that I played tetris on and when I opened it James has typed "I love you and our baby" so I could see it as soon as I turned it on. I cried so much that night. Why was he doing this to us???

I was still talking to James in that first two weeks back home and when mom found out she had my dad come over and take the phones out...and break the line so no phones could be hooked up. What is there was an emergency???? My parents are crazy! This is why I left home at 17 to begin with.

to be continued.............

James Part 9

I know I need to post another James story but now is the part that starts to make me upset and I can't believe I did not drop him at this point...I many signs did I need to have thrown at me before I realized that this guy was a pure jack ass!

Back to my story:

I was living back at home with mom and James and I were still talking to each other over the phone. I starting to slack off of my school work and was to worried about what kind of turns my life would take next. I never had a problem doing my school work when I was with James (maybe it helped me escape) but living back at home was just to much for me. I started slacking off and did not care as much about anything. It was a real hard transition for me to get use to.

It did not take to long before I left home again and James and I were staying at the motel again. I was still in school. As a matter of fact I had my school books with me and the police searched my backpack. I was in our room(it was the honeymoon suite)we had a waterbed and a heart shaped hot tub. It was the about 10am and James was outside with some guy he knew(I never met the guy before). The next thing I knew was James walking into the room and acting like a nut! He was worried because he saw a cop car. This was nothing new to me though because James was always paranoid. I was sitting on the waterbed and the cops walked into the room. They asked if they could search my bookbag because James and his friend were acting like they were up to something. I did not know what was going on and I remember being really upset and I let them search through my stuff. They then asked to heck the waterbed. I told them "sure, but you won't find anything" Well, guess what they did find something. When James walked in the room he came over to the bed and let the heroin go under the waterbed. I had no idea!

They took James to jail and left me with NO money and our room time was going to be up in about 2 hours. I had no car and I could not call anyone to help me out. I managed to talk to motel into giving me another room and I would have James pay as soon as he could get out.

I stayed in that room until 8 that night. James had got out sooner than that but he had to get some dope before he could get me(I found this out later). We stayed with a friend of his and a nice little apartment. His friends girlfriend had 2 kid but her other had custody of them both. This girl worked as a stripper...they had nothing to eat in the house. I was left alone in that house almost all the time while all James and his buddy got high with the strippers money. When the stripper came home all three of them would get high together. I was hating me life! This living arrangement did not stick for to long before I moved back home.

to be continued........

James Part 10

I moved back in with mom for the second time but this time I got a Christmas job at a department store even though I was 7 almost 8 months pregnant with Anna. The department store had just opened up at our local mall and they hired a bunch of pregnant girls that were due around Christmas or right after Christmas so they would not have to fire many people after the holidays.

James was still around and mom even let him stay at her house some nights. I slept on the couch because it was more comfortable and James (when he did sleep...cause the drugs kept him up most nights) would sleep in my room on the bottom bunk (I shared a room with Jessica) or he would stay up all night cleaning (he could clean) or playing video games with my brothers.

I was still going to school during this time and I was doing pretty good. James and I would get a room every few nights and stay at a motel not far from my mothers home just so we could be alone. We fought a lot during that time and I remember one night I rolled away from him so my back was to him (we were most likely fighting about his drug use) and he put his arm around me and said "baby, baby talk to, Mandy......." OOPS! Yep...he called me by a name other then my own. I was pissed. The room that we stayed in that night had two beds. I made him get out of my bed and sleep on the floor. The floor had no was a very cold hard icky floor. This was in October or November so it was cold out side and you know that floor was like laying on ice.

I only stayed in that room the whole night because I was very tired and upset. James tried to explain but I had nothing so say to him and wanted to hear nothing come out of his mouth. I made him sleep there with no covers hoping that he would freeze to death.

I woke up the next morning before he did. James was still sleeping on the floor uncovered when I got up. I left him there and walked back home. When I got home I acted like nothing happened and did not tell mom was nobody's business!

James called a few times and I told everyone that I was not there but mom made me talk to him so I got on the phone so mom would not ask questions and I remember keeping the call short but I do not remember what was said. I only wanted to get off the phone with him. I think I remember him saying that he would come over later that night to "talk".

When James did get to the house I opened the door and he just stood there and said something to make me look like an ass for not talking to him so here I am with my big belly jumping up in the air so I could give him a good slap across his face. He never saw it coming and I felt better when I saw the surprise on his face. I told him to get away from the house or I would call the cops on him. He had warrants out on him so he left after we fought verbally for a few more min.

to be continued.................

James Part 11

In my last James post I said that I wanted to leave him because of his cheating but I took him back so I would not have to explain it to my mother. Everything was going ok at first. I was working and trying to prepare my self for the birth of our child.

I remember that on Thanksgiving we bought turkey pot pies because mom did not want us to have turkey without her because she worked at the airport so we were going to have out Thanksgiving on Saturday (my day to work). I was not happy that I could not eat with everyone else but when I got home James wanted me to walk down into the basement with him before I made my plate of food. What a surprise it was when I walked down the stairs and saw that he had candles lit and food all laid out on the floor in front of the fireplace so we could enjoy a nice Thanksgiving dinner together. This is the one and only time that he really put thought into what he was doing and it really made me happy. This is the only good memory I have with him.

Time really flew and before I knew it is was December and Christmas was here. I was getting huge and I just wanted to have the baby at this point. I was still dealing with his cheating and I could not forget what he had done to me. James was still staying at my mom's house and he was talking to his mom and things were going pretty good. Christmas was nice. I got things for the baby and James bought me some pawn shop jewelry (that's a ghetto relationship for you).

In January the doctors were worrying me because I should be ready to have the baby and she was just not ready to deal with her father I guess.....I went to a doctors appointment and they asked me if I could go home and relax and put my feet up until Anna was ready to be born. "sure, I can relax...sounds like a good plan." Things had been pretty calm at home. I left the hospital and went home to relax.

James was watching my brothers play a video game in the upstairs bedroom when my stepmom came over to the house. She would always let herself into my mom's house without knocking and when she walked in she picked up the phone downstairs to call my dad and she heard James on the other phone line. She gave me the "you fucking bitch" look and ran upstairs. She slapped James in the head with the phone and he ran out the door. My stepmom ran out the door after him and tried to hit him again. I stood in the way of the both of them and she got in her car. She tried to run me and James over with her car. I ran about a mile in the melting snow to get away from that nut case.

My mother had told my dad one story about James and she was doing the opposite with me. My dad had no idea that James was living in my mothers home with me. I ran to the mall and we went to talk to a girl I worked with and that is when the pain came. I brought the labor on. We had to call a cab to take me to the hospital because this was it.......James was with me at the beginning.............

to be continued..................

James Part 12

I was in the hospital in labor and James was sitting with me. My mom and stepmom showed up to make sure I was ok after James punched me in the stomach (no...he did not hit me). This is what the nurse said to me when she walked into the room. They could see my blood pressure rise as I told them it was all lies and I wanted everyone out of my room. I told the nurse the real story and they made everyone leave except for James. After a few minutes I asked James to leave also so I could rest and try to get my thoughts together. Why was I going to bring a baby into my crazy world? What in the hell was I thinking? I had no home of my own, I was still in high school. I was with a boyfriend who lies, steals, gets high and cheats on me. I must have been crazy or stupid or maybe both.

I know my mom and stepmom must of been pissed but I did not care. This was all about me and my baby not about them. Take the spotlight off of you for once this is my time....I can not be worried about you selfish ass right now...I am in pain and now my blood pressure was getting to the point of becoming dangerous for the baby. I was doing fine on my own but they wanted to induce the labor because of all the stress I was going through so they wanted to speed thing up a little bit.

I went into labor at 3pm and I went all through the night and at about 3am I asked for the famous epidural shot. It was pretty cool it has this awesome numbing affect...very cool! I was ready to deliver the baby at any time. My mother spoke to the nurse and I was talked into letting my mom watch the birth. They called mom at 8:30am to let her know that she could come in and they could start the delivery. That bitch did not show up until almost 10:00am. She picked up my stepmom and they stopped to get breakfast(this is my family).

I told the nurse...I don't care about her lets just get this over with. James was still sleeping at his buddy's house so I did not have to worry about that drama. Mom did show up on time(in case you were wondering. Delivery was not as bad as I thought it would be. Anna came out and she was the most perfect baby ever! They were surprised because Anna was not the boy that they had told me should would be but that was good for me because I did not want to name my child after James (that is what he wanted). If it was a boy his name was going to be...Robert James. I love that name....Robert was after a guy I met before James...I called him Bobby(I just loved that name and I still do).

I named Anna after a friend of mine in kindergarten. We loved her name because it spells the same forward or backward. Her middle name Rachelle is after an old friend from high school. I loved her name.

After the delivery mom left to go home and they gave me drugs to help with the blood pressure. I fell asleep.......very thirsty because they would not let me have anything to drink.

to be continued.........

Saturday, August 06, 2005

James Part 13

After I gave birth to Anna I was left alone in the room. Mom went back home and I called James to let him know that we had a baby girl. He kept calling her "him" but that's James for you! They put me on some strong drugs to help make my blood pressure go down and they took Anna out of the room so I could get some sleep.

I do remember James coming to the hospital and being a bad boy and bringing me ice and water without the nurses knowing(I loved him for that). I woke up from a nap and I thought I could hear a baby crying. I remember thinking...WOW, it sounds so real! The nurse walked in a told me that James thought it would be a good idea to have them bring Anna in the room with me. Do you remember that I just said I was drugged up? It does not surprise me though...that's typical for him.

I stayed in the hospital for 4 days and I had a few visitors. My "family" and James (at different times of course). I also had his "stealing buddy", and my girlfriend from high school came to visit with her dad. My girlfriend is the only person that has NEVER turned her back on me. We have always been there for each other and she truly is a BEST friend. When everyone else turned on me she was there to back me up or lift me from the ground......she is Anna's Godmother.

I had James leave his pager with me because I felt that he had no reason to have his pager...he knew where I was. When I had his pager his little girlfriend kept paging him with "I love you". When he walked back in the room I threw the pager at his head. He of course had an explanation for it. He told me that I was acting crazy and that he broke it off with her after I found out about her. He also said that if he was still with her that she would have know that I had the pager and she would not be calling him. I left it alone after that and said nothing else about it.

James was in the room with me and Anna on my last day in the hospital and I was feeding her and he was just looking out the window. The phone rang so I asked him to answer it for me because I was feeding Anna. James answered the phone when my stepmom called (the crazy bitch that tried to run us over). She told James to let me know she called and the next call I got was from my mom. Mom told me that Barb called her and told her that it sounded like James and I were having sex in the room. I hurt so bad that the last thing on my mind was having sex!

Can you believe how psycho they all are?

to be continued.......

Friday, May 13, 2005

James Part 14

I left the hospital with mom and my stepdad. When we got to the house I found half of Anna's things in the livingroom and I found the baby bottle bank that I was saving money for her in also in the living room....EMPTY!

I remember sitting down on the couch and crying my eyes out. Mom yelled at me and said something about not putting up with my post pardum depression and to snap out of it. This was not post pardum anything...this was wanting to KILL my sister. My daughter was not even born yet and "family" was stealing from her. What a life to bring a baby into. I wish I had a real mother that would have talked to me and then I may have had sense enough to not fall for a heroin addict and get pregnant by him and live in a motel with rats and live off of "theft" money. Never knowing what the next second of my day will be like. Now I had a baby as added pressure. Although, Anna was not added pressure. She was the only thing in my life that made any sense. She was my angel. She could not do any wrong EVER. I will be a perfect mom and I will do better than my mother. I will show my daughter that she is loved!

My world changed with her. Everything was perfect because I blocked everyone else out. Anna was sleeping through the night at 2 weeks. I was still in high school but I was on the home school program for a few weeks. A week after Anna was home I was back to my old figure and I felt good. I was doing my homework by reading to Anna. Home school was a joke! As long as you can read then they will pass you.

Anna was 2 weeks old when the cops caught up to James and he was locked up. This is the first time he was really locked up since we were together and I made sure that I wrote to him almost everyday. I was back in school and I was doing the best that I could for me and Anna.

Mom was getting on my case that I was never home for Anna.....I was in school! I did not stay after and I never went out without her. This is just one example of how stupid she can be. I did manage to get a job when Anna was about 2 months old and right around that time James came home from jail.

Mom had been acting crazy and Anna was sick but I could not use our phone to call her doctor because mom was at work and she made sure we had no access to a phone when she was not home. (I told you that she is a control freak).

I used a neighbors phone and this is about the time that I decided to move away as soon as I could.

I stayed with a friend and had all of Anna's things with me. We stayed there for about 2 weeks before everything changed and my life took a turn for the worst.......Some people say that children are too young to know anything...they are not smart enough...they can always bounce back...but they are wrong!!!!! I know for a fact!

to be continued.......

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

James Part 15

When James came home from jail I was filled with promises that he had changed. He wanted to be the best father to Anna. I wanted this to be true and I really wanted to believe him. We were spending a lot of time together as a family. I was having some medical problems and I was not eating or drinking very much. I think it had to do with the birth control the doctors had me on.

We were shopping at a local mall when James had a seizure and was rushed to the hospital. I was right there with him and Anna's was with me also. I had called my stepmom (the crazy bitch who tried to run me over with her car) and I was making plans to move in with my dad. My stepmom came to the hospital to pick me and Anna up and take us back to my mom's house so we could get all of our things.

When I got to the house my mom, stepdad, stepmom, dad, and the friend I was staying with were all in the livingroom. At that moment I knew that this was stepmom had carried Anna into the house and gave her to my dad to hold. Mom started screaming at me and told me to get out of her house (I am not even sure what she was saying to me). I reached my arms out to get Anna and they held her away from me. I remember thinking that I was not going to get into a tug of war with my daughter and they were not giving her to me so I left the house.

I walked to the hospital screaming and crying the whole way. By the time I got there James was gone. I called his "stealing buddy" and talked to his wife and she had me take a cab to her house and I stayed there for the night.

I got with James the next day and we were back to living in motels. We found a ride to take us to get Anna from my dad's house and this time I called the cops to help me get her. The cops went to the house and came back out without Anna. I was asked who had custody of Anna. "I gave birth to her...I do" then the cop informed me that nobody had "legal custody" so if they did not want to give her back that I would have to go to court and my parents already had plans to go to court to take her from me. I thought because I gave birth to her and I was 18 (adult) that I had some rights...I guess I was wrong.

We went back to the motel and made plans to go to court that Monday. I knew this was going to be a major fight. We went to court and they lied...about everything. I still have those court papers and it pisses me off every time I see it. They made accusations that I was leaving Anna alone and she was left in diapers 3-4 days old. If you have a child then you know that it is not possible the leave a diaper on that long. If Anna slept through the night the diaper would fall off of her.

The first court date was at the end of April. Anna was 3 months old and my birthday and mothers day was in less than 2 weeks and my parents were granted custody for 200 days and I was not granted visitation. My first mothers day, my birthday was to be spent away from my baby. She was my life and they ripped her away from me. How can I ever forgive them for that? I can't.

to be continued.......

Saturday, April 16, 2005

James Part 16

Well, James and I were living in the motel again and I was busy trying to complete school and making visits to lawyers for legal advised. I did not have the money to get a lawyer to fight my parents. I was not allowed to see Anna. This was not what we needed in our life right now. I wanted to make things easy on James because I did not want him to turn away from me again or start getting high. He was clean after being in jail for three months and this was going to be our new start, a new beginning as a family. We had a future together James, myself and Anna but I was missing the most important part… daughter!!!

How could this happen. Even to this day nobody believes that the courts could allow that to happen but it did. We went through three judges before one judge decided that he was going to see my case through. He made the decision that he was going to take my case and make sure that Anna was going to be with me under the condition that he could see proof that we had a home to take Anna to and not a motel. It was understandable but I had been looking for a place to live for a year and we still had no home to call our own. While we were looking for a place to live I could not keep up with that and all the emotional stress and I dropped out of school. I could not keep up. It was the worst decision in my life but I had other priorities and I was going back and forth to court every week. Our court date was Monday morning. Every week it was the same. The date never changed and I saw the same judge every time I went to the court house. It was nice to have a judge that knew the situation so that helped a little bit and to know that he was on my side as long as we got a place to live.

It was a little hard at first to find a place to live because I was living at home and was kicked out with nothing….again! My parents love to do that to me….leave me with nothing so I have to crawl back to them for help. Anyways, James talked to the owners of a Chinese food restaurant because above the restaurant they had apartments for rent. This was out ticket. James and I signed a lease and started to move in. We lived right next door to the motel that we were living in but who cared….we were gonna get our baby back! I took pictures and was ready for court that Monday. I still have some of the pictures that we took. It was a nice apartment and I was gonna get Anna back! Life was perfect.

We went to the courthouse and had the lease agreement and the pictures that the judge requested. My parents were pissed!!! It made me feel good. We were ready to pick Anna up from my mothers but they made it difficult and we had to pick her up from my fathers house. They did that on purpose and made me wait until late that night to get her. I did not really care because I won the battle. James was by my side during the fight and was there for every single court case. Most people would say….”so what, that is what he is suppose to do” but we all know what an ass James is so this was a big deal to me. We picked Anna up that night and took her home…that was such a nice word “home” I had a home and a family!

I started a new job at a convince store. James was watching Anna while I was working and he would go out at night with his “stealing buddy” I could not change that. There was no way that I could change that part of him. We needed money and my working at a local convince store was not going to pay the rent. I remember that I came home from lunch one day and saw his buddy “Doc” he was a junkie…I knew that we were going on a downhill cycle from here. I knew when I saw him that James was up to no good and I had to make some changes fast! I hated my job but I worked until I could find something else.

I remember that my mother was upset about not getting to see Anna she said that she knew that I would keep Anna form her. I guess I should have but my response was “I could never hold Anna from you like you did to me. I am not hate hateful.” I was stupid and let them still see her. Not unsupervised but I let my guard down. I should have walked away then and never looked back! The things that they did keep replaying in my mind. The court paperwork that was filled out against me said that I kept Anna in dirty diapers for 3 - 4 days…anyone who has a baby knows that that is not even possible…it would have fell off her body and the paperwork also requested that I stay away from my mothers home address and that she get custody of Anna because I was drinking and on drugs. All of these things were lies and I had paperwork from hospitals that would vouch for me not being on drugs. I went to a hospital right after I lost Anna for a complication with my birth control and they did a drug test on me then. I went to Johns Hopkins and that hospital is horrible (if you ever go to the emergency room) they think everyone is on drugs and gave me a drug test to prove that I was not on drugs….I hated that place.

So, I had this problem with James and I was outside using the pay phone until the local phone company could set us up with a phone. Anna was not home at the time she was with James and I had to get ready to go to work. I heard two girls talking behind me and making a comment that “she could make money…not as much as us but she has potential” I got off the pay phone and started to walk home. The girls stopped me and asked me if I wanted to make some extra money……..

to be continued…………………